A Few Thoughts on Being a Parent
Learning from my mistakes in parenthood
I’ve been a parent for nearly six years now (my oldest turns six on Friday—yikes). I am by no means a perfect parent, but below are some thoughts, reflections, and lessons I’ve learned in these first six years. So, don’t read this as me, the expert, telling you how to raise kids. Read it as me banging my head against the wall as I reflect on my failures as a parent and the lessons I’ve learned.
First and foremost: parenthood, like marriage, is going to reveal more of your sin. Embrace that. Don’t shy away from it or attempt to conceal it. Be open and honest with your spouse and children about your own struggle with sin.
In the same vein, make sure to model repentance to your children. Show them it’s good and right to apologize. Be intentional about apologizing to your spouse in front of the kids. And when you can, be specific. Your children will feel free, hopefully, to apologize too — unprompted!
Play, play, play. And play some more. Listen, I play with my kids—which is always fun!—but I don’t play with them enough. I am an unashamed girl dad, so I play with dolls. Currently, my left index finger is painted sparkly (although it’s small and there are boundaries there). Whether you have boys or girls, be intentional about playing with them.
Be consistent in disciplining. Again, I don’t say that from the perspective of someone who’s done that well, but from a bonehead who’s been far too inconsistent with discipline. The best way to ensure your kids are relatively ordered and well-behaved is playing the long game of consistent discipline.
And yes, discipline means spanking. Not all discipline needs to involve spanking, but we need to follow what the Bible prescribes regarding discipline. Proverbs 13:24 exists for a reason. And when you do spank, do so calmly, intentionally, and prayerfully. You cannot and should not spank in anger. That leads nowhere good. (Guilty!)
Parent both kids the same; but don’t parent them the same. Capeesh? Listen, our two little girls need the same attention, love, and parenting. But Jovi is not Piper and Piper is not Jovi. Additionally, there’s the age difference. Too many times we’ve tried parenting Piper, 3, the same as Jovi, (almost) 6. There’s some nuance there, and that’s what I am referring too. I am ultimately referring to how we parent on a very practical level. Pray for wisdom in that area.
Pray, pray, pray. Again, I’ve been a failure here. It’s not that I haven’t prayed, but it’s not been enough. Although when we had been in the throes of bedtime woes with Piper, prayer was all we could do. God, in a way, brought both Shale and I to the end of ourselves and we just kept praying.1 Additionally, pray for your kids to learn about and come to saving faith in Jesus Christ. I just told Jovi yesterday that, in order for her struggle with anger to really get better, she needs a new heart.2
More on prayer: pray with your kids. Teach them to pray; show them what it looks like to humble themselves before God and pray for their needs, desires, and, as we’ve done many times, boo-boos. Make sure they understand that the focus is not on whether their eyes are closed or sitting perfectly still, but that they know who they’re speaking to.
Be goofy with them. Don’t be afraid to act silly and do things out of your comfort zone. The other day they made a wedding service. They had Shale put on fancy clothes, and I put on a dress shirt, tie, and jack (although I left my shorts on), and we had a wedding. They loved every second of it.
Spend quality time with the kids. Far too many times I find myself in the other room on my phone rather than being alongside my girls. Now, sometimes that’s because they want to play together without Mommy and Daddy. But other times, perhaps I’m being lazy?
There’s so much more here, but I’ll leave you with this: be intentional about showing appropriate affection to your spouse in front of the children. The kids will likely find the affection icky, but they will know their parents are in love.
Piper does bedtime fairly well right now. We stay in there until she falls asleep, but it doesn’t take nearly as long as it did for the first, oh, five months this year. It’s an answer to prayer!
It was here I made my attempt of explaining how that goes. I think I did okay!
Good and Godly wisdom. Appreciate your humility.
All great advice! I like the way you described yourself as parenting imperfectly, but ultimately praying to do better and seeing some positive results. Mine are 24 and 21. Wish I could go back and re-parent, but I wasn't walking with the Lord then. Have a blessed day!